I went into my 30s with a checklist: figure out my career, find a husband, and become a mom as soon as possible. I spent a lot of time focused on timelines and put so much pressure on myself to “figure it out.” While I eventually started the company, found the guy, bought the house, and became a mom, none of it happened when I wanted it to. But that’s life, isn’t it? Things change, people change, and we have curveballs are thrown at us. I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the hardest years of my life recently. I’m coping so differently at 42 compared to my 30s. I’m now a  42-year-old mom of 3 and founder who walked away from her company. I’ve been through things I never thought I’d go through. Here’s what I wish I knew about love, friendship, my career, and life years ago.

What I Wish I Knew When I Was in My 30s

Entering your 30s can feel exciting, scary, and overwhelming. There’s pressure to hit certain milestones, like career goals, settling down, and feeling “on track” before your 40s. I had such unrealistic expectations of myself, my time, and even my body. We spend so much time worrying about things we can’t control, and I let outside pressure and the comparison trap get to me. I stressed about being enough, not being enough, and what I didn’t have. As a 42-year-old mom reflecting back on that time, I realize just how many pressures were illusions. I want to share what I’ve learned along the way and what I still struggle with, too. Here are some valuable lessons and things I wish I had known when I was in my early 30s, as I started a new decade.

You Can’t Do It All

You can’t do it all, and you don’t have to do it all. This was probably the best lesson that I’ve learned over the last decade or so. In my 30s, I was juggling it all—work, friendships, and personal goals. Hard work is great until it consumes you. I went from the computer to crossFit, working out 5x a week, and physical therapy for all my injuries, and back to work until 2AM every night. Weekends were for going out – I never stopped. What I wish I’d known then is that “having it all” doesn’t mean doing it all, or being the best, or working as hard as I possibly can all the time. The life you’re building is worth pausing for. It’s worth lazy days, rest, and not pushing myself to the limit. 

Self Care is Everything

As a mom, finding time for self-care can feel like a luxury. It’s not just manicures and massages – self care can look like many things. In my 30s, I pushed myself hard, often skipping rest and time to just be. My old self called CrossFit self care, and it was in a way, but it was not rest, and it did not help me find any calm. I took a break from therapy for years and waited until my anxiety had a complete hold on me to see a new therapist and to start anxiety medication which made such a big difference in my daily life.

Self-care keeps you grounded and healthy, and doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Taking time to reset and allowing yourself to rest can make all the difference. It’s so important to slow down and unplug, because life doesn’t slow down, so it’s up to you to carve out those moments for yourself.

Your Career Might Shift, and That’s Ok

I spent much of my 30s feeling like I had to “figure out” my career. And I spent most of that time miserable, feeling like I had very little control, which was hard as a small business owner. But here’s what I know now: your career can, and often will, change. Selling my half of my old company and walking away was the opposite of giving up. I knew what was best for my family and for my mental health. Don’t be afraid to start over if something doesn’t feel right. Reinvention isn’t failure – it’s growth. And the best thing you can do is to listen to your heart. Do what truly makes you happy, even if it means switching paths.

Shifting from running one small business with a partner to running another small business on my own was an eye opening experience. Realizing that I work best on my own, and without feeling restricted by office hours, being constantly connected to slack, and churning out content for the sake of churning out content vs. Doing what feels right was life-changing for my mental health. It took time, but I really found my groove, and feel such a good sense of balance and happiness with where I am.

Some Friendships Will Change. Others Will End.

Once I entered my 30s, I thought I had my support systems in place and was sure I knew who my good friends were. In some cases, I did. I have friends I’ve been close to for decades. I wish I had known that some friendships would come to an end. Your best friend in your 20s might not be the best friend you’d choose in your 30s. Friendships in your 30s can change in ways that are hard to understand at first. People move, get married, have kids, or take new jobs. Those things can make it harder to stay connected. We also evolve and grow, and there are times we don’t grow together.

A friend you may have chosen in your 20s or even 30s might not be someone you feel connected to in your 40s.  It can be really difficult and painful to realize a friendship is no longer a fit. Some people are there for a season, and it might feel like a loss, but it’s a natural part of life. The true friends—the ones who’ll be there through every high and low—will grow with you, and those relationships deepen over time. You’ll also find new people as you change. And there is something so special about being older and connecting with someone who was meant to be in your life. I have friends I’ve made over the last year that I feel so connected to, and I feel so lucky that I found them. 

Don’t Let Comparison Steal Your Joy

Comparison can be a trap that makes you feel like you’ve failed, even when you’re living your best life. Social media has really highlighted this for all of us. In my 30s, I compared myself to everyone’s successes and accomplishments. Social media is a highlight reel, and the thing that makes us unique is that we all have our own story and timeline. I now understand that everyone has their own struggles, even if you don’t see them. Your journey is entirely your own, and there’s beauty in that. Stay focused on your path, and let go of the need to measure up to someone else’s story.

Say “No” When It’s a No

In my 30s, I said “yes” to nearly everything because I felt anxious when I said no. What if I missed out or let someone down? I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or fail in any way. But saying “yes” to everything means saying “no” to yourself. And saying no doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It took a long time to get to a place where I realized that, and I could have saved myself a lot of anxiety had I known that it was ok. If something doesn’t feel right, or if it drains you, it’s okay to turn it down. Boundaries don’t make you selfish; they make you stronger.

Boundaries are Everything

Setting boundaries is one of the most powerful ways we protect our energy and prioritize what truly matters. This is something I’ve gotten really good at, and it honestly took going through some really hard things to get to where I am today. It can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if we’re used to saying yes when it’s a no. But clear boundaries allow us to show up more fully in the areas that matter most. I am not suggesting you not show up for the people who matter, because there will be times we do things we don’t necessarily want to do to help someone.

Boundaries might mean taking space from someone who’s harming you. Or setting rules for how you might let someone into your life. By defining these limits, we create space for ourselves and those we love to connect more meaningfully and live in line with our values. Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out – it’s about carving out space for what matters most and creating a life that supports my well-being. Had I known this back then, I would have felt more empowered to protect my energy, honor my priorities, and be more present for the people and moments that meant the most.

Timelines are Stupid

You might have an idea of when you want to hit certain career milestones. I really wanted to get married and have kids in my early 30s. But I  got married at 35, and back then, I thought I was “behind.” And I hate to admit this, but I tried to get our wedding date scheduled before my 35th birthday. Why? So I could say I got married before I turned 35? I ended up getting married a few weeks after my 35th birthday. Looking back, can’t imagine caring about that at this point in my life. We started trying for a baby immediately because I was convinced it would take forever, and I was already so “behind.”

Then I let it all go.

I had my third baby months before turning 41. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I didn’t need to stress out about timelines. That it was ok to have kids later and follow my own path. Things fell into place when they were meant to. I’m really happy with my life, even though I’m not at all where I thought I’d be at 42. 

Happiness isn’t Tied to Accomplishments

In my 30s, I kept waiting for happiness, thinking it was tied to my next achievement. Specifically, to getting married and having kids later in life. Happiness isn’t something you unlock after hitting certain milestone. Happiness is a mindset and a choice you make each day. I know what it feels like to be lonely. I know what it’s like to be in a hole that you think you won’t ever climb out of. And I now know that a checklist won’t be the answer to everything – you’ll always want something else.

You’ll get married and miss having time to yourself, and will navigate the complexities of marriage. I love my kids more than anything, but learned that I can’t stay on top of things the way I used to. I wish I’d taken more moments to be grateful. To appreciate the journey without always looking toward the next big goal. 

You Can Do Hard Things

In my 30s, I felt tied to “the plan”—career, marriage, kids, everything in its place by a certain time. I got married at 35 and was fortunate to get pregnant very early on. I had finally gotten what I always wanted, but never anticipated my daughter’s cancer diagnosis during a global pandemic. It took hitting rock bottom to pick myself back up again. To reevaluate my whole life, and to realize what really matters. It doesn’t feel right to say that good things came from that experience, and I’d give anything to undo it, but I have a perspective that I never would have had otherwise. There are lessons in the most painful things we go through, and we can’t usually see that until we’re on the other side. 

It’s Okay to Start Over at Any Age

The fear of starting over kept me from taking some risks in my 30s. I spent years unhappy at work because I didn’t think I could leave. It took going through the hardest thing to finally walk away, and in the end, I’m much happier day-to-day. I’ve since learned that reinvention is always possible and often necessary. Don’t let the fear of a fresh start hold you back. Whether it’s in work, relationships, or any area of life, it’s never too late to begin again.

Health is a Priority

I wish I understood that my health is the foundation for everything else. And that I don’t have to feel scared and anxious about absolutely everything. That I didn’t have to always feel so scattered, bouncing from one thing until the next. Once I became a mom, I pushed through fatigue, neglected exercise, and put off rest. My daughter barely slept the first year, and my entire life revolved around work and being a mom. I never felt like I was enough – not doing enough, not sleeping enough, and not making enough time for myself. Looking back, I wish I knew to start seeing a therapist earlier. I know that prioritizing both my mental and physical health is essential. And yes, it’s a luxury and a privilege, but it shouldn’t have to be. 

Ask for Help

I wish I’d known how hard motherhood would be and how quickly those early years with kids would fly by. That I understood the value of hiring help, asking for help, and seeking therapy when motherhood felt especially hard. I felt consumed by the worry and didn’t know how to properly care for myself when I was trying to figure out how to care for these little people. It wasn’t until I had my third baby that I felt truly comfortable as a mom. I wish more than anything that I could have been a third time mom with my first baby – I would have enjoyed that first year so much more. You don’t have to “do it all” to be a good mom. 

In my 30s, I often felt like I had to be everything for everyone. Whether it was work, family, friendships, or other commitments, I rarely paused to consider my own needs. I had my kids at 35, 37, and 40, and notice a shift in how I parent at 42. It took becoming a mother for the third time, and getting to enjoy this phase of life without feeling so stressed out about work.

Life isn’t about fitting into someone else’s timeline or checklist. It’s a journey of learning, unlearning, and discovering what truly matters along the way. Looking back now, I see how much pressure I placed on myself to have everything figured out. And it was all only to realize that life doesn’t work that way. Instead, the beauty is in embracing the unexpected and letting go of perfection. So if you’re in your 30s and feeling lost, know this: you are exactly where you’re meant to be and becoming who you’re meant to become.

Photo by Katie Kett