I moved from LA to Chicago exactly 14 years ago today. It was a move that I made for my mental health and my first step to finding happiness. It was a brokenness that inspired the move, and it took time, but I found my way. All it takes is one shift. Even small steps can lead toward taking control of your life. I had reached a point where I needed to do something big. I was in a relationship that needed to end, and it was one I couldn’t seem to shake. Moving to a new city gave me the space and confidence I needed. It completely changed the trajectory of my life and gave me a chance to escape a toxic relationship. But it was ultimately getting older and more confident, and finding my sense of self that helped me find the happiness I feel now.

Taking control of your life doesn’t always require a step as drastic as moving. And that move wasn’t what lead me to happiness, but it was the first step. So I want to share my story and experience, because it’s never too late to take control of your life. It’s never too late to be happy. 

How to Take Control Of Your Life and Find Happiness

If you’re reading this and feeling stuck, you are in charge of your life. I know what it’s like to feel like that’s not the case. But if I could find the courage pick up and move halfway across the country, you can take control of your life, too. It’s important to remember how deeply subjective happiness is. What makes me happy might not make you happy. For me, it has always been about finding balance between work and caring for myself. It’s about having close relationships with people I love, and pursuing passions that light me up inside. I’ve realized that happiness isn’t constant. Taking control of my life and finding the lessons in the grief and trauma got me to where I am today. And at this present moment, I am happier than I’ve ever been. 

Today, I want to share with you my thoughts, experiences, and some practical steps that have helped me along the way.

My Story

I was probably one of the least likely people do move to a new city. I didn’t have any ties to Chicago – not one friend or family member. But since I worked for myself, I could live anywhere. It wan’t bravery – it was just something I had to do. I felt so stuck and didn’t have the right support system outside of my great aunt Rose. She was the single most important person in my life. 

I was about to turn 28 and had been in an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship for 9 years. Looking back at the way my parents treated me, it makes sense that I ended up in a relationship like that. After I met him, it was just this negative, downward spiral of unhappiness. I remember sitting in the driver’s seat of my car in his parking garage. We had gotten in another big fight, and I had the most negative thoughts about my current situation. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have a home of my own and was back and forth between these two people who I couldn’t fully trust to be stable or to support me. 

I thought I figured it all out. But I felt like I lost control of my own life, and what I was doing didn’t align with my sense of purpose.

My relationship with my mom was incredibly complex, and by that time, I hadn’t spoken to my dad in about 10 years. He has 4 kids with 4 different women and doesn’t see any of of, so it was always easier for me to rationalize that relationship. But it’s tough when things don’t work with your mom, or it was for me. I needed a fresh start away from all the toxicity. And the reality was that I couldn’t afford both an apartment and a car in LA. So I chose a city with great public transit where I wouldn’t need a car. 

So on August 1, 2010, I got on a one way flight to Chicago and landed in the city that would be my new home. I let things drag on and off for over a year with my ex until I finally found the strength to let him go. It was so important that I spent time on my own. I needed to experience new things, meet new people, and gain confidence before I could free myself from him. 

I knew who I was and what mattered to me, but never felt like I could walk away, so I just kept going even though I wasn’t happy.

There was always this fear of failure when it came to my career. I had a blog design business and personal blog, but didn’t know what was next. I suppose I still feel some of that now – the worry about how sustainable this is, and what I’ll do in 5, 10, or 15 years. My mom left my dad when I was only a year old, and quickly married my stepdad, I think for security. When their marriage didn’t work out, she stressed the importance of being ok on my own and not needing to rely on anyone. When I started a new website that was basically a “bigger” version of my blog, I thought I figured it all out.

During that time, I felt like I lost control of my own life. What I was doing didn’t align with my sense of purpose. I knew who I was and what mattered to me, but never felt like I could walk away, so I just kept going even though I wasn’t happy.

It wasn’t about an unwillingness to do hard work. I have always been willing to put the time and work in, but I do my best work when it’s on my terms. And I’m sort of no-nonsense with work, so sitting around for 2 hours feels pointless. Just get your shit done. I thrive when I can take short breaks or shift my hours to do the things I love, and when I can just focus without dozens of Slack messages coming at me.

My Breast Reduction and Lift

I went from a D to a G (DDDD) and felt so uncomfortable in my own body.

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Make a Change

Change is inevitable. And change is important and necessary if you want to take control of your life. This might mean ending a toxic relationship, leaving an unfulfilling job, or simply changing your mindset. It’s all about figuring out what’s not serving you, what fulfills you, and doing something about it. Learning to embrace and accept change is really hard, but positive changes can really change your life. Letting go of what no longer serves you can be liberating, and sometimes, it’s really hard to walk away. I didn’t feel strong enough to be able to take control of my life in Los Angeles. I reached a breaking point and leaving felt like my only way out. 

Moving was a very big change for me, but I really only did that to put distance between myself and someone I couldn’t seem to escape. There was still a lot I needed to do to find my way. It was walking away from the “bigger” job with the title and employees and a site with a lot more traffic and success that brought me happiness. I get to live the life I want now, and I’ll never take that for granted. It’s not about titles or accolades, or it’s not for me.

Change is scary, but I’ve learned to see it as an opportunity for growth instead of something to be afraid of.  

Do the Work

The journey to taking control of your life starts with figuring out who you are and what lights you up. It’s putting in time and energy into taking care of yourself. One of the most important things you can do is seek therapy. Talking to someone and doing the work will help you heal. We all have things to work through and can all benefit from therapy. Medication, if needed, can also be life-changing. I went on anxiety medication years ago and it’s been so helpful. 

You need to understand who you are, what you value, and what you really want out of life. This might sound simple and some part of it can be, but it can also be really difficult to figure out who you are and what you want. Nothing will ever be perfect, but if you can surround yourself with the things that you love, that’s a pretty significant first step. And the same goes for walking away from the things that are no longer serving you, and not letting people hurt you. So many of us stay in unhealthy relationships and let people treat us poorly. 

So the first step? Work on yourself, and figure out what makes you happy. 

Here are some questions I’ve asked myself. 

What are my values? 

I value connection and closeness to the people I love and care about. I love making a difference, and getting to share the hard things I’ve been through, and help others feel less alone. Fundraising for pediatric cancer, and using social media for good brings meaning to what I do. It is the stories and struggles and real things we go through that tie us to one another. 

What are my strengths and weaknesses?

I know that I am a hard worker when I work for myself, but I do not thrive with too much structure. And I struggle to find meaning in doing something I don’t care about. I’ve had jobs that I’ve really loved and enjoyed, and others where I had a hard time. The hardest was attempting to run a company with someone I didn’t see eye-to-eye with. My daily routine felt like something I had very little control over, and as someone who works for myself, that didn’t feel right. It is often the case that two people don’t share the same vision and want the same things. We’re all wired so differently, and I learned that I need creative freedom.I really value being able to take a break to spend time with my kids, get a workout in, or to get coffee with a friend. 

Build Healthy Habits and Live the Life You Want

If you want to take control of your life, you need to build habits that support personal growth and happiness. Here are some things that have worked for me, and things I’ve let go. 

Morning Routine: I’ve tried to be one of those early morning routine people but it just doesn’t work for me. So I wake up when my kids wake up. I’m not one of those people who wants to wake up early to have an hour to myself to read or journal or meditate before being with my kids. I stay up late and get that time when they’re in bed. Once I stopped chasing the idea that I had to wake up early, I felt less pressure. Do what works for you. 

Physical Activity: Regular exercise is crucial for both physical and mental health. I fell off the wagon after having my son and then surgery, but I am always the best version of myself when I work out. 

Healthy Eating: I make an effort to eat balanced meals and stay hydrated, and feel the effects when I take care of myself this way. 

Create a Positive Environment

I’ve lived in several apartments in the city, and now live in the suburbs. Whether I lived in a 600 sq. foot apartment or a 4 bedroom house, I’ve always created a space that felt like home. As someone who works from home, living in a space that feels good makes me feel good. Surround yourself with positivity. Whether it’s through the people you spend time with, the things you let into your life, or the spaces you inhabit. Here are a few ways I’ve created a positive environment for myself. 

Relationships: My family and friends are what brings me the most joy. I did not always have this little family, but had friends who were like family before I got married and had kids. Taking breaks and making time to be with them is everything to me.  It’s important to spend time with the people you love.

Creating a Home I Love: A space that feels good and mostly free of clutter helps me feel less distracted. Now that I have 3 kids 6 and under, there’s a bit of clutter, but I love our home and love being here. I regularly declutter my home and keep only the items that bring me joy or serve a purpose.

Do not let anyone or anything in that doesn’t make you happy.

Consuming Positive Content: This is a big one. In my journey to taking control of my life, I stopped reading a hate forum that was so unhealthy for me. I unfollowed anyone on Instagram who didn’t bring me joy. In an age where it’s so easy to see what others are doing, need to be mindful of who and what we let in. Do not let anyone or anything in that doesn’t make you happy. I follow podcasts, and social media accounts that align with my values and aspirations.

Find Joy in Everyday Moments

Happiness isn’t about achieving big goals – it’s about finding joy in everyday moments. Simple pleasures like watching my kids run around in our yard or coffee with a friend can bring a lot more happiness into our lives than accomplishments at work. I know what it’s like not to have these moments. And I make it a point to feel gratitude for them. It’s the little things that often make the biggest difference in our overall sense of well-being.

Learn From the Hard

We all went through a pandemic together. During that time, you may have learned to give yourself to the things and people that matter. A few months into the pandemic, my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. It was that diagnosis that shaped who I am today. I completely lost control and felt broken for a long time. And that’s expected and ok. The gifts and clarity that came with that diagnosis are nothing short of incredible. I hate what it took to get here, but I’m so grateful for where I am. Walking away from the job that didn’t make me happy, and finding a way to do it on my own on my terms changed my life. I learned how to use my time and am so grateful for the little things. I lead a more meaningful life now. 

It’s important to remember that happiness is a journey.  It’s about making intentional choices, being present, and doing what you love. It’s about learning from the trauma and grief, and living the life you want to live.