It is almost 3:00 am but I felt like I had to sit down and write. I know how to spell and try to compose sentences that make sense, but I cannot promise anything right now. Moving halfway across country by yourself to a new city where you don’t know anyone isn’t easy. I didn’t expect easy. In fact, I expected that this would be really hard. I knew I’d be lonely, confused, and that I’d wonder what I was doing. I knew I’d have moments where I thought to myself “how did I get here?” And I was right. Let’s talk about starting over in a new city.

Starting Over In a New City

I do know that I love Chicago. The people are wonderful, the buildings are beautiful, the snow is magical, and the city is alive. But being all alone 2,000 miles away from everything and everyone I know is very, very hard. This isn’t like going away to college. I am on my own in a city where everyone around me has their own circle of friends. Their lives and routines. And here I am, smack in the middle of it all.

I have met a handful of wonderful people.

For three weeks in a new town, that’s not so bad. I grabbed lunch with a friend who took me to my sister’s friend’s place to get my things back {from the spirits}. I have lunch plans Thursday and Friday, and someone I met today invited me to go out on Saturday night. A vast improvement from going to lunch last Saturday and spending the rest of the weekend by myself. But I know more of those weekends will occur. And I am ok with some alone time. But when you work at home, you can go days without any human interaction, and that isn’t good for you. While I can see being good friends with some of the people I have met, for now they are really great people that I am getting to know. 

I know it will take some time to find my place, make friends, and form relationships with people. It will take time to have a life here, feel like I belong, and form a routine. Is this making me stronger? Absolutely. Am I enjoying how difficult this is? A little bit. As lonely as I may be, I am happier than I have been in a while. I do believe that if you struggle, you will end up happier in the end. Having everything handed to you doesn’t give you any time to long for something. As a result, I believe that you cannot really really appreciate all the little things.

A confession

To completely disclose what was going on before I left, I feel like I should tell you that I started seeing my boyfriend again before I left. It’s complicated and I just cannot go in to 7.5 years of a relationship, but there is so much there. I am not 100% sure of what we were or what we are, but we were and are definitely something. It feels as if we always will be. I just don’t know what any of it means right now. He’s in LA and I can’t go back there. Update: He was also a verbally abusive sociopath, so I’m glad that ended. 

I was so unhappy the last few years.

Even when I was happy I was unhappy. I am on this mission to be happy, and even though things are hard, I really am happy. Right now, I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. I know it is. I am scared, alone, confused, and happy. Half the time, I still have no idea how I got here, how I’ll make it, or what I’m doing. But it’s all part of the adventure. Part of the journey. This past Monday marked 3 weeks in Chicago. That means that this coming Monday up will mark one month here.

As scary as this is, I am so glad that I did it.

I don’t want to look back with any regrets. My mom has told me at least a few times that if she could go back and do it all over, she would have left LA. She said it again tonight. She always wanted to leave and never did. I was so afraid that I was going to be that girl, and am so glad that isn’t my story. I love that one day when I have a daughter {or son} I can tell her {or him} how I just picked up by myself {with the kitten, of course} and moved 2,000 miles away.

If there is something you have been wanting to do but you aren’t sure if you should, please go for it. Out of everyone I know, I would be the one person least likely to pick up and take off by themself, and here I am. Leaving LA was something I talked about for years. Sometimes you may need to step outside your tiny little box. As cheesy as this may sound, figure out what it is you want, and follow your dream. It will be scary but in the end, you will find your place. You might even end up happy.

Starting over in a new city is scary. But it’s so worth it. And if I can do it, you can, too.