How to Make Friends as an Adult

Life stages and experiences change us and our circumstances as we get older. I wasn’t prepared for how complex adult friendships could be. Some friendships change along with them, and others fade away. Whether you’re in a new place or chapter, it can feel like you’re starting over from scratch. As someone who moved to a new city in my late 20s and them moved to the suburbs years later, and a new neighborhood again, I found myself in this position a few times. I went through a few friend groups before I found my people. There were people I thought were true friends that weren’t, and others stayed great friends even with thousands of miles between us. 

It can be so challenging to meet people and find those real friends when you’re older. And these relationships are just as important as, or more important than romantic relationships. Starting over in a new city wasn’t easy, but I put myself out there. I had to. I didn’t always want to and it didn’t always work, but I tried. Some friendships faded while others grew stronger as the years have gone by. You have a better sense of who you are now might find yourself looking for more when it comes to potential friends. I’ll share my experience and best advice (that’s worked for me) for making and growing friendships. I’d also like to talk about going through friendship breakups, and how I coped with those losses. 

The Challenges of Making Friends as an Adult

Before diving into the ways we can make new friends as an adult, it’s important to understand the unique challenges that come along with it. The older I get, the busier life seems to feel. Spending time with friends feels important but it’s not always easy to find the time. 

Lack of Time:  Balancing work, family, and other responsibilities doesn’t leave a lot of time for socialization.

Established Social Circles: Many adults already have established social circles, making it harder to break into new groups.

Life Changes: As people age, their interests and lifestyles evolve, sometimes leading to a divergence from old friends.

Social Anxiety: Fear of rejection or judgment can prevent adults from reaching out to new people.

Overcoming Obstacles 

I want to discuss a few obstacles or barriers that you might be facing if you’re in a friendship rut. Balancing a busy schedule with socializing can be challenging. Prioritizing and managing your time effectively is key. Social anxiety is another factor that can be a significant barrier to making friends. Addressing this anxiety is crucial for developing new relationships. Breaking into established social circles can be daunting. Persistence and patience are important.

Actionable Steps to Take:

• Combine socializing with other activities, like exercising or running errands.
• Start with small, low-pressure social interactions.
• Seek professional help if social anxiety is severely impacting your life.
• Show genuine interest in getting to know the group members.
• Be patient and give relationships time to develop naturally.

Strategies for Making Friends as an Adult

Most of us don’t have the time or energy for a bustling social life and large social circle. I am someone who doesn’t need a lot of friends. I wanted to find meaningful friendships – just a few – that I could get together with and talk about everything with. Small talk is my least favorite. I love a real, deep conversation. A 3 hour lunch where we talk about everything. So I want to share some strategies that have worked for me, and some actionable steps to take that might help you form new friendships. 

Connect with Friends of Friends

Making new connections and forming new relationships can be hard. I’ve found that the easiest way is to get out and do things. Chances are you know someone you really like and lost touch with. Or maybe you have a friend that might know someone in your town. Reach out to old friends or acquaintances to expand your social groups.

Actionable Steps to Take:

• Do you know someone who has friends in your city or town? Ask for an introduction! If one of my friends asked me to help connect them with another friend, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second.

Try Something New

If you’re looking for an easy way to put yourself out there, this is the lowest pressure option. Take a new class, join a local group, visit a new coffee shop, or go to a new park. You might be scared to try new things, but it’s the best way to meet like-minded individuals. Everyone in that class has a shared interest, so this is a great opportunity to meet potential new friends. Every new experience won’t result in anew friends, but if you meet enough new people, you’re bound to become friends with someone. So join the book club or take a yoga class. I get it – it’s a lot. The first time you do it might feel scary, but it’s a start. 

Actionable Steps to Take:

• A class is a great place to start, and one of the easiest ways to meet a potential friend with similar interests. Consider tennis, yoga, pottery, or anything you’re interested in.
• Once you start to chat with others in class, consider asking if they’d like to get together sometime. I met my friend Sarah at pickle ball last year, and saw her again at an event. It was then that we realized we had a lot in common and we exchanged numbers to get together for coffee.

Attend Social Events

The first step is to put yourself out there. It’s one of the hardest things to do, but it’s the only way to meet new people.  How many times have you been invited to something and said no? Social events like as parties, networking events, or community festivals, provide opportunities to meet new people. Even if you feel shy or out of place, attending these events can open doors to new friendships. 

Actionable Steps to Take:

• Accept invitations to events, even if they are outside your comfort zone.
• Attend with a friend if it makes you feel more comfortable.
• Approach people and start conversations, focusing on common interests.
• Connect with potential work friends at networking events.

Introduce others

This is something I love doing. If you have mutual friends, introduce them. Plan a dinner or happy hour and get a group of people together. If everyone brings someone new, you’ll all make new connects. You never know where this will take you, and I truly believe it will make its way back to you. 

Meet Other Parents Through Your Kids

This wasn’t really a thing for me until my oldest daughter started preschool. If you have kids, find a class you can take them to. This is something I wish new moms would do, because it’s an important time to have meaningful relationships in your life. Reach out to another mom at preschool for a playdate or out for ice cream and chat while the kids play. I’ve messaged 3 moms in Kate’s class to plan playdates recently, and they all said yes. I’ve since become friendly with one of the moms, and we keep getting the girls together. It’s the same with Margot’s friends. I’m still friends with one of the moms from her preschool, and we get the kids together, and are trying to find a class or activity to take Jack and her younger daughter to. 

I know some of you might have some social anxiety, but sometimes, you have to make the first move. If you see the same person at a class every week or talk to them at the pool, ask them if if they’d like to get together sometime.

Actionable Steps to Take:

• Get the contact information of other parents in your kids class and reach out for a playdate. You won’t become best friends with every parent in school but might really connect with another parent. 
• Chat with other parents at the park or play space. Two of my new friends met at the park and have since become good friends. 
• Enroll in a new class or activity. Visit the local pool or sign up for a class with your kids. This is a great way to meet parents with kids the same ages as your kids. 

Pursue New Hobbies and Interests

Engaging in activities you enjoy can naturally lead to meeting like-minded people. Whether it’s joining a sports team, taking a cooking class, or attending book clubs, shared interests provide a solid foundation for building friendships.

Ok, so the only mom’s group I’m in is actually a group that I started for moms going through pediatric cancer. This is obviously a group no one wants to be a part of (ever) but I have met some really amazing moms there. So consider a facebook group or hobby group like running club, women’s group, or even a mother and child class. I am actually in a place where I feel like my friend group is pretty solid, and I don’t like to be too busy. But, I started gymnastics with my 2 year old and would definitely be open to a playdate if a parent asked. 

Actionable Steps to Take:

• Research local clubs or classes in your area of interest.
• Attend meetups or hobby groups.
• Be open and approachable, initiating conversations with others.

How to Foster New, Meaningful Connections

Some friends will just be there for good times, and others will show up when things are hard. Be the best friend you can be. Be a good listener, show up if they’re going through a hard time, and put an effort into some friend dates. Let them get to know you a little bit, and get to know them. Ask questions, be honest, and find a deeper way to connect. Forming real friendships as an adult is about so much more than basic common interests. We’re looking for people we really connect with, and the only way to connect is to really put yourself out there.

Actionable Steps to Take:

• When you meet a new person, keep an open mind. Maybe you’ll just get to know each other a little bit, or maybe they’ll become one of your closest friends. You just never know where it will go. 
• Remember if they have something coming up and check in on them when they do.
• Share something you might be struggling with, or something you’ve been through. I’ve found that deep, healthy friendships are the ones where friends have that level of closeness. Where they can share what they’re going through and be honest with one another. 

When Friendships Change or End

I thought I knew who my people were. But your social network is likely to change from your 20s to your 30s, which isn’t something I expected. Friendship breakups can be as painful as the end of a romantic relationship, or even worse. So what do you do when the weekend rolls around and you realize you need some girlfriends to spend time with? Instead of just sitting there wondering “why can’t I make friends?” (ps. you can!) you have to do something. Where do you go? What do you do? If you’re ready to meet a new friend, you’re going to have to step outside your comfort zone. Here are a few ways I’ve added to my real life grown-up friend group.

As a working mom of 3, life is a little more full than it once was. There tends to be less “free” time and who we spend it with matters. Not all friendships will last forever. Some friends come into your life for a moment, and that’s ok. It’s not something I expected in my mid-late 30s, and when those friendships changed, I really struggled with that.

My story

I never imagined that I’d find myself in a (local)  friendship rut in my 40s. I am not someone who wants a large number of friends. I’d rather have a handful of close friends that I can really connect with. Most of my closest friends are a 45 min drive to a plane ride away – from the IL suburbs to Los Angeles. Some I met in high school and others in college. Even though I talk to most of them every week and one almost every single day, I had been missing those friends I could get together with in person. 

We had this group of couple friends that we saw all the time. They were our people.  One was very casual and not a deep friendship, one we were fairly close with as a couple, and the other was one of my best friends. When my daughter got sick, I was basically a shell of a person. And I can look back and understand how hard it would feel to show up for someone who was broken and had nothing to give anyone for almost a year. So we just stopped hearing from them. There wasn’t a fight or any drama – they just vanished. For the one I was close with, part of me got it because she had her own diagnosis to deal with. That’s so hard, and something I have compassion for. It was a devastating loss.

We moved to our new town almost 2 years ago, and I’ve met some great people. Months ago, I would have told you that I had one very close local friend. She tragically passed away, but opened the door for new relationships for me. I miss her every day. 

Why is it so hard for me to make friends?

Some of you might tell me you’re too introverted to put yourself out there and others might hate going to events and participating in small talk. You’re struggling, and I get it. I’m with you. As extroverted as I may seem, I’m much more of an introvert. Talking to new people exhausts me, and at the end of a long day, going out is the last thing I want to do. I’m not suggesting that you put yourself out there every single day until you have a new best friend. But pick one or two things you can do each week.

Say yes to an invite or an event. Surely you can survive that. Make it a point to talk to 3 people, but do your best to start a real conversation as opposed to small talk. I’m not one to work a room at an event – I usually find one or two people and just really dive into a conversation.

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